(originally published on The Stanford Daily)
“Real men don’t wear masks” is the new motto of the year, spurred on by the increase in United States COVID-19 cases. Since Donald Trump — president, public figure, and role model for men around the world — tweeted that he would stop wearing masks, women have been frantically trying to keep their sons, fathers and husbands from leaving the house.
Unlike others, Karen is taking a different approach. “I will never understand what he’s going through, but I fully support him,” Karen said to a reporter as she watched her husband leave the house to go to a club.
Her husband attempted to interject, but I was forced to run away because he was visibly spitting as he spoke.
When asked to comment, rising junior Mike Femail ’22 (self-proclaimed “Macho Mike”) simply pointed to his stubble. “I can’t have such a feminine accessory hiding my luscious locks — it’s preposterous,” Femail said. “Anyway, this COVID-19 trend is just a conspiracy to force us men to become less masculine.”
Femail told the Daily that he uncovered secret receipts by hacking into his parent’s Amazon accounts. “The government ordered boxes of masks well before COVID-19 was a real thing,” he proudly announced. “I could find deliveries from way back in February!”
Especially in households with predominant male presence, statistics show that women are taking over after masculinity has been evaporating into thin air. However, in the instances where the male figure refused to wear a mask, the family remained patriarchal, albeit with men confined to hospital beds.
An interview with a banned Costco customer shed some light on these strange occurances.
“If I’m being truly honest, mask coverings for protection are just not cool! Sure, we all can enjoy a good DIY cucumber exfoliating mask, but a medical mask is just embarrassing,” he admitted. “I wouldn’t even trust my doctor if he was wearing one.”
As masculinity has been on the decline since COVID-19 cases began rising, men are beginning to feel endangered. But fear not! The solution, as backed by the most prominent men in society (including President Donald Trump and President Jair Bolonsaro), is to take off the masks and expose your face, especially your nose and mouth.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
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